A 911 Christmas

I was getting ready for a traditional Christmas day at my father in law's when the phone rang. My dad's girl friend sounded nervous as she stammered "I called 911...your dad is not feeling well..."

My ears buzzed as I tried to breathe....apparently the shock of the words took my breath away. I felt my heart pounding as if it were outside of my body.
She told me where they would take him and I quickly hung up. I scrambled for some things and told my hubby we had to go....unsure, all the way there it felt like forever. In the ER, the doctor told me it was serious and that my dad was having a heart attack and needed an angio plasty ASAP.....when I saw him, he looked pale, but calm...apologizing for bad timing....that's my dad for you...I tried to stay calm and smile...assuring him it would all be fine....It wasn't long before they wheeled him away and off to the ICU waiting room we went....

I sought God in all this, His comfort and peace but struggled to feel it....wrestled with fear, doubt and faith....it was difficult. After an hour or so the doctor came out to tell us all went well....no procedures performed but that he would try again in the morning....meanwhile, it would be a long night in ICU.....

The next day, the procedure went as scheduled and 2 stents with 2 balloon procedures too. We waited for a long time and when it was done, were able to see him. His color was better as was his mood......he'd made it. I stayed with him as much as I could and kept praying....I told God that I need my dad more than ever....I really do...

Yesterday, he got to come home! (Along with a slew of meds to take!)

Looking back....I wonder about this all....and Christmas. Christmas eve was special this year because I was asked to be a reader for a special event at church....I am so glad I had that experience to carry me through Christmas day.

I'd been praying that my faith would deepen and that I would feel God more....I guess in a way He answered my prayer....

"0" Comments...

Am I just pouring my heart out for me? I started this blog in hopes of reaching others out there--like me--who are going through some life changes like mine...is my nest the only one that's empty? Am I the only one who is experiencing all this?

As I type this...the nest is temporarily filled as my daughter's come home for the Christmas break. It's been nice to have her here and in a way it feels like she never left.

Work's been a painful and rewarding experience....although, the emotions have been all over the place on this new venture! Not many people in my life really care to know nor ask much about what I do....except for my awesome husband....who daily asks me about my day, the kids I work with and the teachers...

Millions of blogs and My Spaces get hits galore...yet my little blog only gets hit when I log in to post a new comment.

As the year ends, I find myself pondering the issue of changes...and realize that even at my age, there's greowth to be had and changes to be made.
Which leads me back to the annual resolutions list....why is it that most of us ponder these things at the end of another year?

New Years illicit new beginnings....fresh ones. I will make my list and post it here--for me--or anyone out there who may actually read this.

When it rains...it pours....
The leaves I have in my hand are ones I picked up when I was in Michigan visiting my daughter...aren't they beautiful? Red, orange, gold...we don't see this in California. Picking these leaves up made me think of how life is a series of seasons...and with Fall I am realizing that I too am in a state of falling leaves. All I can do is pick them up, one by one, and see the beauty and promise in each. These leaves were green and new in Spring and lasted through the summer...now, with winter not too far away, they fall.

So, with all the changes, I've been reflecting about my life....I’ve been reading a book called “Getting through the tough Stuff” by Chuck Swindoll.

I hope today’s post helps you with where you are at with things in your own life. I know that in preparing this post, I heard God speaking to me and reminding me of who’s in control. It’s not me…although, sometimes I forget….do you?

Have you heard that saying that goes “When it rains it pours?”
Even though we are officially experiencing a drought in California, I will be the first to say that lately it’s been pouring a lot in my life.

Those unexpected phone calls, telling me that my dad had a medical emergency while he was in Italy …and Raija, my mother in law, collapsing all of a sudden from a sudden brain vessel bleed, undergoing 2 brain surgeries and still in ICU.

Through it all, I tried to understand the whys and the hows….but got no immediate answers or miraculous healings. The past few weeks have been a lesson in letting go and letting God do what He needs to do.

Letting go is all about giving up my control.

In Henry Nouwen’s book "Turn My Mourning Into Dancing", he says that
“The more we insist in control and the more we resist the call to hold our lives lightly, the more we have to deny the reality of our losses and the more artificial our existence becomes. Our belief that we should grasp tightly what we need provides one of the great sources of our suffering. But, letting go of possessions, plans, and people, allows us to enter, for all its risks, a life of new, unexpected freedom….."

He also writes that "God invites us to experience our not being in control as an invitation to faith"

God’s been gracious and good…My dad is under close medical watch and on the proper medications…Raija is still in ICU but breathing on her own and making a slow and steady progress .

All I can do is pray. I can’t control what will happen next , all I can do is control how I see things and how I trust God.

One of the best examples I could come up with about not being in control is flying. At some point, we all have experienced the fear and anxiety that occurs during a terrible flying experience.

Traveling to Michigan this past week was no exception. At first, prior to landing in Chicago, our plane experienced severe turbulence because of some serious weather. The pilot promptly confirmed that we were going to continue experiencing severe turbulence.

Not being a very calm flier, I promptly resorted to my way of coping with such a tense situation….which is to sing some of my favorite praise songs in my head….while tightly clinging to my husband's hand.

There isn’t much I can do at 35,000 feet. In fact, I am completely helpless and that realization often causes fear and anxiety in me. After landing safely in Chicago, we proceeded to board the next flight to Grand Rapids…a short 27 minute flight. However, as we prepared to leave the gate, the pilot calmly announced that we should go to the bathroom prior to departing since we were not going to be able to leave our seats once up in the air. He even said that the entire flight crew would have to remain seated for the duration of the flight. By this time, I was nearing an all out panic attack but I quickly focused my heart and mind on God and on what He tells us in scripture:

“Philippians 4:6 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

How should we react to the turbulence in our lives? Can we do anything to keep it from happening? Ultimately, who is in control?

One of my favorite verses is Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

"Room 2"

The past 2 weeks have been filled with meetings....with teachers, principals, parents and even with God. The funnest part has been setting up my room: bulletin boards, walls, my desk...

It's been super hot and unfortunately I don't have air conditioning in my room but only some fans that don't help much. The temperature gauge showed 90 yesterday! I hope it cools off soon.

My mind has been going a million miles a minute and I wake in the middle of the night to jot things down on a list. Last night, I kept trying to figure out how I was going to work out my Lesson plan book with all the different classes...Tabs, different color tabs and dividers....I finally figured it out and dozed back to sleep.

Is it a blessing or a curse to be a perfectionist? I am beginning to think that it's a curse. I need to learn how to let go and take it easy...(easier said than done)

So with all this business, meetings, organizing, etc...I find myself talking to God a lot more but the conversations are one-sided and usually frantic. I need to slow down enough to spend adequate time in quiet study with the Word and God. My mind keeps reminding me of that verse in the Bible found in Psalm 46:10 about "Being still and know that I am God" and another verse that says "with God all things are possible" so why should I waste my time worrying???

Tonight, I decided to go with my hubby out to dinner with my dad...it was nice to get away from my piles of papers, the computer, my school work and have a nice dinner...we walked by the water and it was still in the low 80's. We found an ice cream place and I indulged and had a cone! What a treat...

It's almost 10pm and I am tired...Read my daughter's blog and I have to agree with her when she said she was so tired with all her college related activities....and classes hadn't started yet!
Both her and I will wake up on Tuesday morning next week to face a whole new way of life...

Stay tuned........

Chris Bliss amazing juggling routine.

I fel like this sometimes...except I drop the balls!

Dropping the ball...

My daughter posted this post on her blog and the title she chose was: "I want to live like he juggles....no fear of dropping the ball!"

So, as I watched this guy do what he does so perfectly...I saw myself in his seamless juggle....juggling so many things, yet, not dropping a ball once!

Yes...I know I can't be perfect...so please pray that I remember that and that I don't go crazy trying to keep all my balls afloat as I begin my new job in a few weeks!

There's a feather in my nest!

Yes, Steven is here from Japan...(the feather!) In the midst of moments when I miss my daughter, I rejoice in the moments I am able to spend with my son, Steven. He arrived on Wednesday and leaves Tuesday morning at 7am so we are making the most of the time he is here.

His 14 hour flight wasn't as hard as his last flight since economy class was overbooked and the airline rep "had to" bum him up to business class! Wow...that's the ONLY way to go!

Our first stop on the way home was In N Out for obvious reasons...no burgers like that in Japan! That night, he got his long-awaited giant burrito at a local Mexican place that we absolutely love. Yesterday, he had a "real" American breakfast complete with eggs, sausage and french toast.

Tomorrow, we have an all American BBQ with family and friends coming over to see him...it's been great having him here with us.
Tonight, he's with his 2 brothers who don't live far and I miss him already...Yikes, how am I going to handle him leaving me again?

I haven't gotten any better at saying goodbye and being ok with him being so far in Japan...knowing that he has at least another 1-2 years left there. I suppose I will be traveling out there again once or twice to see him.

God never lets go...

Sitting here this morning, I find myself amazed at how much better I am feeling versus only a few weeks ago. I still miss my daughter but somehow I am more at peace and less distraaught about it. Life goes on. I thank God for email, cell phones and blogs...we keep in touch! She's been telling us about all her adventures and reading her blog entries is one of my favorite things to do...she is so insightful.

So,this sense of peace and goodness has been spilling over into every part of my life. God has been faithful in answering my prayers when I was feeling down. God's been good. I recently saw my younger brother and my little nephew and what a joy to finally reconnect with his family after so many years.

What is important to note here is that God has been close to me and he has never let go of me... In fact, I believe He never will and this is a comforting thought!

Check out this video (a friend from class sent this out and it's awesome)
(www.Godtube.com has some incredible music and videos!)

Redecorating my empty nest

I've been praying for relief from the sting of loneliness and sadness that's been gripping me from the inside out and I think God is answering me. Yesterday, I woke up feeling energized and eager to get moving on some projects around the house.

I spent a great deal of time rearranging, moving and hanging some pictures...did a lot of cleaning out and organizing too. Overall, it was a productive day. I am counting down the days till Stina gets back to Calvin...3 more days and am eagerly awaiting her phone call! (no phone contact for the past 8 days!)
No news is good news and I am sure she is enjoying her Wilderness experience.

14 days and counting...

This empty nest thing is not easy. I find myself doing things and feeling like I am missing something. Missing doing the "mommy" things. It's been 14 days since I said goodbye to her and we have not been able to hear from her since the 10th.(she's on her wilderness backpacking trip with Calvin somewhere in the Rockies!)She doesn't get back to campus until the 22nd so we have to be patient...

My husband and I went to his cousin's house and spent a wonderful afternoon by the pool watching their 2 little ones jump in and out of the water. Perhaps it was these moments that have triggered a flood of memories. "Mommy...mommy...can you come in the water with me?" "Mommy, piggy back on your back?"

The little girl is almost 6 and the little boy close to 3. I remembered our beach outings (that were a huge production-packing up everything imaginable just in case we needed it.) The Palm Desert weekends spent lounging in the pool...Ah...yes! Those WERE the days.

Fast forward to yesterday and you can see me sitting on the couch watching another episode of my favorite interior decorating show called Freestyle...The dishes were done, the laundry caught up. Tippy sat nearby as I pondered on the moment. With a whole day ahead of me and a list of exciting things to do with my free time, I chose to sit there...just sit there.

Am I so down and sad that I could be considered depressed? What's happening to me?
I didn't want to call my husband at work to tell him just how paralysed and unmotivated I was feeling so I just sat there. I then decided to finally take down the graduation memorial that I had made on top of the entertainment center. I carefully took Stina's diploma, graduation program and everything else and put them away up in her closet. After cleaning off the surface, I sat back down and considered putting it all back...what was I thinking? Was I ready to put it away? Ugh!

I managed to eventually make dinner and work on some school assignments...my day was almost done and I felt like I hardly accomplished anything. Last night, I prayed that I would wake up with a more positive attitude and that I would have a more productive day. My morning didn't start off too well as the PMS hormone monster got a hold of my emotions....But--I resolved to take control.

After my coffee, I made my list of things to do for today in my planner and decided to post my thoughts here first. The sun is out today (unlike yesterday's gloomy day)
so I will seize it with all my might...

The daisy I brought from Michigan is still in the vase and beginning to wilt...however, the plant is in the ground and growing!

This is what my awesome wrote about in her Blog when the daisy plant got "uprooted"...the analogy is perfect. So, in a way, I brought the little plant back here to California from Michigan and it symbolically represents my daughter...

Read on...I hope this blesses you like it blessed me:
now, i have made an observation today, and i'd like to share it... i'm not quite sure how long it is going to get, but here it goes.

"...you know the analogy of God kind of being like a gardener? i personally never got in to that analogy since i actually never understood the analogy. and i don't think many people do becuase 1)they aren't gardeners themselves or 2)they don't know any gardener's like the lady that i'll be staying with.

let me start off by saying that this landscape is amazing... different types of plants, trees, flowers, fruits, bushes, and so on... beautiful lawn, beautifully arranged, growing, in progress... just an awesome garden. but that's not what is impressive. she gave us a tour of the entire property (which you can see is rather large). we walked through the gardens and landscape and showed us each plant... and not only did she name each plant, but she went through all the details: some plants attract certain animals (butterflies, humming birds), some plants attract certain unwanted animals so need to be protected or kept an eye on (whether it be fence or netting or some contraption)... some plants she has had a hard time with getting them to grow, but are finally showing progress, there are some plants that she explained won't grow in certain places, but she found other places to put them. there are some trees that she has planted as little twigs, but she talks about what she wants them to be many many years from now. there is even a certain plant that she has to keep picking japanese beetles off of because they just love to eat those roses. each plant had a minimum 5 minute story, and it was amazing listening to her talk about her plants! she knew what each plant needed, the location of each plant, and she had a pretty good idea of what would become of each plant. at the end, she pointed to this one bush of flowers, said that they grow like crazy and my mum could easily plant it back in CA... really? yes... in fact, she was so sure of it, and wanted to share this plant, so she pulled up one flower, roots and all, and put it in a ziploc bag for my mum to take home with her!

would you agree that she is one incredible gardener? a passionate, skilled gardener?

how much greater, then, is God? God is THE gardener... He is the best, the perfect gardener.

think about it, and as i did, it just absolutely blew my mind. God, the gardener, knows exactly what we, the plants in the garden, need. each of us has a purpose, and have been planted with a purpose. although we may undergo some troubles, rough patches, attacks, God always takes measures to protect us, to bring us back to life, to help us keep growing. some, we may not see what our future looks like, what's in store, we may just be little twigs now, but God is envisioning us becoming these big trees, or whatever he has us planned to be... you get the point? we are all different, different needs, different plans... but God covers all of that and more.

here's what i related to most today...

some of it is going to hurt... whether it be japanese beatles eating out petals, or whether it being uprooted and replanted somewhere else...

uprooted, planted somewhere else.

when i saw this lady just pull up that flower and hand it over, complete confidence that it could grow and thrive across the country, it clicked.

i saw myself in that little yellow flower. i saw myself kind of being ripped out of the ground and planted somewhere else (i know the analogy is not complete because i get to come back and visit, but stretch it with me). God has complete faith that i can grow and thrive here in grand rapids, MI. the past few days i've been thinking about it more and more, wondering and wondering, and i haven't felt at complete peace yet...in fact, i've been more nervous than ever.

but you know what, God has faith in me... the great Gardener has planted me here, more or less for some time, because He knows it's where i can grow... His faith, in me... what more do i need?

so ya, that's what i've discovered."

baby's day out

She's come a long way baby!

Watching this clip now I see it in a whole new way...instead of her cute little shoe, this time, she went past the neighbor's yard and all the way to Michigan in a real car!
I am so proud of her...(But, I'd give anything to be back in that wonderful moment!)

10 days, 10 states, 3,423 miles...

It's been a while but only because I needed the time to take it all in.

(Here I am with Stina and Jenny at 12,423 feet up in the Colorado Rocky Mountain National park....Yes! That is REAL snow!)

We embarked on our family road trip on June 24, the day after Stina's graduation party at the park. We made it to Zion National Park on the first day. The GPS kept track of our miles and reminded us to "take a break" once in a while.

While on the road, we saw all sorts of things, animals, people...and a lot of corn fields! There is a lot of open land in the Midwest. Our route went something like this:

Nevada, Arizona, Utah, Colorado, Nebraska, Wyoming, Iowa, Indiana, Illinois and finally Michigan.

With every mile, I realized that I was coming one step closer to that inevitable goodbye. On the 3rd of July, we stood in the Calvin College parking lot, car packed up and hugged one last time. I cried and she didn't....in fact, she was consoling me!
I didn't know what to think about her not crying but reasoned that this was her way of now worrying us by also falling apart.

So we were off to Chicago with Jenny too...most of the ride was quiet and every time I looked in my rear view mirror I began to cry. She wasn't there, behind us, like she had been all those miles and days...On the plane, I could hardly stand it and had to write notes to my hubby because talking about what I was feeling seemed overwhelming...

Coming home was strange. The house felt different. I walked upstairs to Stina's room...and just stood there feeling the miles between us. Her stuff on the floor, the unmade bed...I didn't care about the mess anymore and I wanted her there more than ever. Every time I missed her I'd just go into her room...I grabbed her little bunny that was on her bed and sobbed. Where did all this time go? Could this be real? Was it a dream??

Nigh time was harder yet...not being able to say goodnight. Looking our her bedroom window, I could see Jenny next door in her room, sitting on the computer. I know it's hard for her too...looking across and seeing this room empty.

The first few days I was a mess. I couldn't even talk on the phone with my friends.
With Stina though I maintained a calm voice....remembering how my friend told me to take deep breaths and sip on water as not to cry.

Motivation lacked and I couldn't do much...but little by little I felt better. Reading her blog gave me a sense of closeness, knowing what she was doing and discovering. I got back into my school since class was only a few days away and buried myself into the assignments.

Going back to work for a day, helping my friend reorganize her classroom sure helped out and got me excited about the upcoming new school year with my new job. I will be plenty busy working as the new resource teacher at both the middle school and high school...Isn't it amazing how this all worked out? God must have known that I needed some heavy duty distraction to keep me busy and my mind off the empty nest.

So, as I sit here peering over the edge of our empty nest...I am thinking about how I want to proceed going forward.A pile of papers, boxes and books are awaiting my attention as Tippy is sleeping at my feet. A dove just landed on the patio awning and is quietly cooing her song. The sun is out and the sky is clear and blue...summer is here.

Stina is off on her wilderness excursion for the next 10 days and will not be calling or posting on her blog. I hope and pray she is OK...

Ready or not...it's almost time

It's late and I am sitting in my office staring at this screen....pausing with every word. The house is quiet. My daughter is in her room also on her laptop updating her blog...I know she's sad but she won't reach out to me... and with that realization, I try not to feel too sad-hurt-too down.

This must be the way she is preparing herself for the inevitable goodbye when we leave her in Michigan...right?

My husband is probably watching TV upstairs...3 people, in 3 different rooms, doing 3 different things...

Flash back 5 years...all the boys were home and Stina was 13! We had a house full, that's for sure...I can remember the constant noise of a house full of kids, the TV, the phone...the friends coming and going...the music of the guitars, the drums, the flute and the saxophone...me in the kitchen making dinner...doing dishes...an endless litany of activities...
Saying goodnight would take as much as 20 minutes and sometimes even a half hour....oh, those good nights...the talks...the hugs and the kisses.

Now, I sit in a room I call an office that once was Stina's room...then the boys' room...then just Steven's room...now, my room of books. Memories fill this room...the sweet goodnights and prayers whispered in the dark...the giggles, the hugs, the smiles too. Now, my future waits in the midst of school books, papers and notes...pictues silently call to me from my bulleting board...pictures of family and friends.

So what happened? Time has passed much too quickly. I sit here with a heavy heart...trying not to get too far ahead of myself...and wishing I could just hug my daughter the way I used to and know that she felt better.

To be a mother is priceless...but it also hurts at times like this...because with all the love comes all the pain too...sometimes, I don't think my heart can take it and somehow I always make it.

God has been so good to me....so good. Blessings abound! I pray for grace and peace as I prepare for my next step in life.

27 days and counting. . .

"Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself."

~Matthew 6:34

Is it possible that this is all a dream? Will I wake up to a house full of kids playing, the dog barking, phone ringing, washer going through a very loud spin cycle because it's overly stuffed with a load of colors???

[pinch]

No...it's not a dream. It really is almost June! June is filled to the brim with activities...from here on, it will gather momentum and take me to the inevitable moment when we get in the car and drive cross-country to Michigan.

• Senior play



• Graduation



• Party!



• Packing



• Planning



• Driving....

Yes, my one and only daughter is off to college. She seems ready. She's definitely excited about it and is probably counting down to the minutes and seconds. The question is, are my husband and I ready? I've avoided thinking about this because I'd like to think that I am ready; however, I am not sure how I will feel once we set foot on the plane to fly back and arrive home to our empty house. I am praying about my worrisome spirit. I think this event will teach me to trust God more and worry less. I was able to overcome this when Steven headed off to Japan...it took a while, but eventually I made it. So, here I go again...trusting in Him and letting go.

It's funny how things seem to happen sometimes. I know that God has a way to orchestrate things and perhaps my new teaching position in the fall will be just what I need to keep me busy.

When God closes one door, he open another...how true.

So, my "mommy" days as I have known them for the past 26 years are about to take a turn...my heart beats faster just in typing these words and my eyes are tearing up [no, no....not now!]

Deep breath....

26 years of mommy-hood! Wow! And in 27 days....I will be facing a new type of mommy-ness and life. I've adjusted to my oldest son living in Japan. SO, based on distance alone, I should be able to handle Michigan, right?

Stay tuned.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes...

"This is the day the Lord has made: let us rejoice and be glad in it."
Psalm 118:24

The scripture is from my little daily calendar. Every morning when I wake up I look to see what God has to say to me for the day.

The awesome message behind the words is that today is a new day...

I like waking up when the sun is out and the sky is blue. Spring is one of my favorite times of year. There's so much promise and possibility in the air. Looking ahead at what can be is exciting and sometimes even scary. Either way, as long as I have my priorities right, I will be OK.

In the past few weeks there have been a lot of changes. Phillip, my youngest of 3 boys, moved out. Ironically, it was on April 1st...I thought that maybe it wouldn't be true, but, alas......it was.

Having talked about it for so long and even suggested it, I thought that I would be ready when the day came. I wasn't. I was a mess. With a school project deadline looming over my head, I found myself completely "DIS-COM-BO-BU-LATED" <--------(note: I don't know if this is a real word--but that is how I felt)

Timing was awful with hormones raging and the PMS monster poking at my heart strings...I cried...but not in front of him. I tried to reason the way I felt and measure the sadness against other big changes and could not figure it out. I remember how I felt when Steven, my oldest,left for Japan! JAPAN! Phillip was only moving 15 miles away....and I can see him in 15 minutes (with no traffic) So why the drama?

A friend had to remind me about the why....Phillip was my last boy to leave home....and my daughter Cristina was not far behind. She will be heading out of state to college in the first part of July. So then it dawned on me....

Soon, MY nest would be empty. Is this what the empty nest syndrome is all about?

Even with school, work, and the normal house stuff to do...I can't seem to be busy enough to squelch the sadness that creeps up my throat unexpectedly....and sometimes makes me cry.

Another friend suggested I take up a hobby. Hmm....school is my hobby. As I go through the next 15 classes at the speed of light...I am fast approaching my long awaited degree! By fall of 2008 I will be working on my teaching credential....yes, this will keep me busy. My one and only outlet is still running. I resume my training in May and will run the Long Beach marathon in October. (More on this later)

I am aware that it's not good to look back too much...to live in the past. Like the verse above, I must be happy today and move on to a future filled with more memories.

The promise of this new day is exciting... God has been good to me....

5,344 miles from a hug...

Sometimes, all I really need is a hug and tonight I wish I could reach out and get one from Steven. (He's in Japan)

I miss him so much.

At this moment...

It's late. It's hard to hold in all the thoughts about my life as a mom at this moment. My daughter reminded all of us yesterday that she would be leaving for college in 102 days.
Graduation is "only" 85 days away....Can it be? It seems like yesterday when I walked her to her first day of school. With her purple backpack and lunch box and Pocahontas hi-tops. I have that picture posted right next to her senior portrait....what a contrast.

I imagine that most moms struggle with letting go of their daughters too....but this does not make me feel any better at this moment. For a long time now, our relationship has been so different. Adolescence has somehow changed it. I am the same but she's not. The world tells me that this is "normal" and a part of her learning to let go....a way of distancing herself before the real good bye....yet, it still feels hard to take and understand.

I still see the little girl who looked at me with big brown eyes in constant adoration....I was everything as she was to me. Now, I find myself reminiscing about all the hugs and kisses and prayers said at night. The park, the Cinderella castle, playing with Barbie and snuggling....then little be little, it all changed...just like the time when I went to tuck the marshmallow man in with my son and he said "No, mom...I don't need him anymore" the night came when "bunny" wasn't tucked in close to her with the blankie...

Years, time.....memories. With every careless word I cringe in loneliness and utter sadness.
I feel like she's already gone even though she is still here....
at this moment.

Time does really fly...

I've been to Japan and back...got really sick, (some say it WAS the bird flu)eventually recovered and managed to get one 20.5 mile in for the marathon (which is this Sunday!)

So, this is what happens when you start a blog that no one really reads...but, I've decided to go ahead and resume with my own musings and ramblings.

I can't believe that the marathon has finally arrived. It's been a long 7 months of training. The difference this year has been all of the friends I've made. Something is very unique about people who share a passion for running even though they have quite different backgrounds and lifestyles.

I've met four really awesome ladies who also happen to be pace leaders. In fact, there are three of us who live close enough to car pool on Saturdays...we've all become real close!

This is one thing that I've been wanting for a while....closer female friends. You know, when life gets hectic and stressful and no one really understands....we need to have some someones we can go to for a heart to heart.

I find that with them, I can open myself up and just be me. I am accepted and loved unconditionally and honestly. Friendships like this are awesome and priceless!

So, back to Japan! I had an awesome time being with my son....I am so proud of him and of his success at work and personal independence in a foreign land. His Japanese has evolved even more and he conversed like a native. I even met his girlfriend (soon to be fiancee!) We visited some different places and stayed a few days in Kyoto where I was transformed into a Maiko (geisha) within a few hours.

I now have been affectionately nicknamed by some of my friends as Olgeisha...it works well with my name.

My 12 days finally came to an end and I had to come back home. I was torn between wanting to stay and missing home so much that I also couldn't wait to go home...I tried not to cry as much this time...but it was useless....hugging Steven one last time and knowing it was going to be at least another year before I saw him again....well, I think you can see why I was so sad.

It's been about a year and a half since he's gone to Japan....5,344 miles away. I am used to it now but still can't go a day without thinking of him. Then, I think about my little girl...(who is 17!) who is graduating from high school this summer and going out of state to college. I am not sure how I will feel because I get emotional now just thinking about it.

I can remember, when I was a young mom, reading a magazine for parents called Parenting and skimming through all those "How to deal with the empty nest syndrome" and thinking to myself how I had all the time in the world ahead of me...all I had to do was look around and see my 3 little boys and my baby girl ...and all their toys and books strewn across the house....Ah...yes, those WERE the good ol'days! I miss my days as a young mom when I had no time to read and do nothing...feeling stretched in all directions and always going to some soccer practice, school event or friend's house....Those were the days.

Every night, I relished my little good night routine...tucking each one in, one by one. Some nights, that could take almost a half hour....they each had a story for me or needed a glass of water...or a worry to discuss.

I even had to tuck in the marshmallow man, the teddy bears and bunny. I never rushed these moments...I knew they were not going to last forever.

Because, time does really fly.

So, as I mentally prepare myself to go 26.2 miles...I will need to rely on some of these memories through the tough spots...especially towards the last 3-4 miles.