God never lets go...

Sitting here this morning, I find myself amazed at how much better I am feeling versus only a few weeks ago. I still miss my daughter but somehow I am more at peace and less distraaught about it. Life goes on. I thank God for email, cell phones and blogs...we keep in touch! She's been telling us about all her adventures and reading her blog entries is one of my favorite things to do...she is so insightful.

So,this sense of peace and goodness has been spilling over into every part of my life. God has been faithful in answering my prayers when I was feeling down. God's been good. I recently saw my younger brother and my little nephew and what a joy to finally reconnect with his family after so many years.

What is important to note here is that God has been close to me and he has never let go of me... In fact, I believe He never will and this is a comforting thought!

Check out this video (a friend from class sent this out and it's awesome)
(www.Godtube.com has some incredible music and videos!)

Redecorating my empty nest

I've been praying for relief from the sting of loneliness and sadness that's been gripping me from the inside out and I think God is answering me. Yesterday, I woke up feeling energized and eager to get moving on some projects around the house.

I spent a great deal of time rearranging, moving and hanging some pictures...did a lot of cleaning out and organizing too. Overall, it was a productive day. I am counting down the days till Stina gets back to Calvin...3 more days and am eagerly awaiting her phone call! (no phone contact for the past 8 days!)
No news is good news and I am sure she is enjoying her Wilderness experience.

14 days and counting...

This empty nest thing is not easy. I find myself doing things and feeling like I am missing something. Missing doing the "mommy" things. It's been 14 days since I said goodbye to her and we have not been able to hear from her since the 10th.(she's on her wilderness backpacking trip with Calvin somewhere in the Rockies!)She doesn't get back to campus until the 22nd so we have to be patient...

My husband and I went to his cousin's house and spent a wonderful afternoon by the pool watching their 2 little ones jump in and out of the water. Perhaps it was these moments that have triggered a flood of memories. "Mommy...mommy...can you come in the water with me?" "Mommy, piggy back on your back?"

The little girl is almost 6 and the little boy close to 3. I remembered our beach outings (that were a huge production-packing up everything imaginable just in case we needed it.) The Palm Desert weekends spent lounging in the pool...Ah...yes! Those WERE the days.

Fast forward to yesterday and you can see me sitting on the couch watching another episode of my favorite interior decorating show called Freestyle...The dishes were done, the laundry caught up. Tippy sat nearby as I pondered on the moment. With a whole day ahead of me and a list of exciting things to do with my free time, I chose to sit there...just sit there.

Am I so down and sad that I could be considered depressed? What's happening to me?
I didn't want to call my husband at work to tell him just how paralysed and unmotivated I was feeling so I just sat there. I then decided to finally take down the graduation memorial that I had made on top of the entertainment center. I carefully took Stina's diploma, graduation program and everything else and put them away up in her closet. After cleaning off the surface, I sat back down and considered putting it all back...what was I thinking? Was I ready to put it away? Ugh!

I managed to eventually make dinner and work on some school assignments...my day was almost done and I felt like I hardly accomplished anything. Last night, I prayed that I would wake up with a more positive attitude and that I would have a more productive day. My morning didn't start off too well as the PMS hormone monster got a hold of my emotions....But--I resolved to take control.

After my coffee, I made my list of things to do for today in my planner and decided to post my thoughts here first. The sun is out today (unlike yesterday's gloomy day)
so I will seize it with all my might...

The daisy I brought from Michigan is still in the vase and beginning to wilt...however, the plant is in the ground and growing!

This is what my awesome wrote about in her Blog when the daisy plant got "uprooted"...the analogy is perfect. So, in a way, I brought the little plant back here to California from Michigan and it symbolically represents my daughter...

Read on...I hope this blesses you like it blessed me:
now, i have made an observation today, and i'd like to share it... i'm not quite sure how long it is going to get, but here it goes.

"...you know the analogy of God kind of being like a gardener? i personally never got in to that analogy since i actually never understood the analogy. and i don't think many people do becuase 1)they aren't gardeners themselves or 2)they don't know any gardener's like the lady that i'll be staying with.

let me start off by saying that this landscape is amazing... different types of plants, trees, flowers, fruits, bushes, and so on... beautiful lawn, beautifully arranged, growing, in progress... just an awesome garden. but that's not what is impressive. she gave us a tour of the entire property (which you can see is rather large). we walked through the gardens and landscape and showed us each plant... and not only did she name each plant, but she went through all the details: some plants attract certain animals (butterflies, humming birds), some plants attract certain unwanted animals so need to be protected or kept an eye on (whether it be fence or netting or some contraption)... some plants she has had a hard time with getting them to grow, but are finally showing progress, there are some plants that she explained won't grow in certain places, but she found other places to put them. there are some trees that she has planted as little twigs, but she talks about what she wants them to be many many years from now. there is even a certain plant that she has to keep picking japanese beetles off of because they just love to eat those roses. each plant had a minimum 5 minute story, and it was amazing listening to her talk about her plants! she knew what each plant needed, the location of each plant, and she had a pretty good idea of what would become of each plant. at the end, she pointed to this one bush of flowers, said that they grow like crazy and my mum could easily plant it back in CA... really? yes... in fact, she was so sure of it, and wanted to share this plant, so she pulled up one flower, roots and all, and put it in a ziploc bag for my mum to take home with her!

would you agree that she is one incredible gardener? a passionate, skilled gardener?

how much greater, then, is God? God is THE gardener... He is the best, the perfect gardener.

think about it, and as i did, it just absolutely blew my mind. God, the gardener, knows exactly what we, the plants in the garden, need. each of us has a purpose, and have been planted with a purpose. although we may undergo some troubles, rough patches, attacks, God always takes measures to protect us, to bring us back to life, to help us keep growing. some, we may not see what our future looks like, what's in store, we may just be little twigs now, but God is envisioning us becoming these big trees, or whatever he has us planned to be... you get the point? we are all different, different needs, different plans... but God covers all of that and more.

here's what i related to most today...

some of it is going to hurt... whether it be japanese beatles eating out petals, or whether it being uprooted and replanted somewhere else...

uprooted, planted somewhere else.

when i saw this lady just pull up that flower and hand it over, complete confidence that it could grow and thrive across the country, it clicked.

i saw myself in that little yellow flower. i saw myself kind of being ripped out of the ground and planted somewhere else (i know the analogy is not complete because i get to come back and visit, but stretch it with me). God has complete faith that i can grow and thrive here in grand rapids, MI. the past few days i've been thinking about it more and more, wondering and wondering, and i haven't felt at complete peace yet...in fact, i've been more nervous than ever.

but you know what, God has faith in me... the great Gardener has planted me here, more or less for some time, because He knows it's where i can grow... His faith, in me... what more do i need?

so ya, that's what i've discovered."

baby's day out

She's come a long way baby!

Watching this clip now I see it in a whole new way...instead of her cute little shoe, this time, she went past the neighbor's yard and all the way to Michigan in a real car!
I am so proud of her...(But, I'd give anything to be back in that wonderful moment!)

10 days, 10 states, 3,423 miles...

It's been a while but only because I needed the time to take it all in.

(Here I am with Stina and Jenny at 12,423 feet up in the Colorado Rocky Mountain National park....Yes! That is REAL snow!)

We embarked on our family road trip on June 24, the day after Stina's graduation party at the park. We made it to Zion National Park on the first day. The GPS kept track of our miles and reminded us to "take a break" once in a while.

While on the road, we saw all sorts of things, animals, people...and a lot of corn fields! There is a lot of open land in the Midwest. Our route went something like this:

Nevada, Arizona, Utah, Colorado, Nebraska, Wyoming, Iowa, Indiana, Illinois and finally Michigan.

With every mile, I realized that I was coming one step closer to that inevitable goodbye. On the 3rd of July, we stood in the Calvin College parking lot, car packed up and hugged one last time. I cried and she didn't....in fact, she was consoling me!
I didn't know what to think about her not crying but reasoned that this was her way of now worrying us by also falling apart.

So we were off to Chicago with Jenny too...most of the ride was quiet and every time I looked in my rear view mirror I began to cry. She wasn't there, behind us, like she had been all those miles and days...On the plane, I could hardly stand it and had to write notes to my hubby because talking about what I was feeling seemed overwhelming...

Coming home was strange. The house felt different. I walked upstairs to Stina's room...and just stood there feeling the miles between us. Her stuff on the floor, the unmade bed...I didn't care about the mess anymore and I wanted her there more than ever. Every time I missed her I'd just go into her room...I grabbed her little bunny that was on her bed and sobbed. Where did all this time go? Could this be real? Was it a dream??

Nigh time was harder yet...not being able to say goodnight. Looking our her bedroom window, I could see Jenny next door in her room, sitting on the computer. I know it's hard for her too...looking across and seeing this room empty.

The first few days I was a mess. I couldn't even talk on the phone with my friends.
With Stina though I maintained a calm voice....remembering how my friend told me to take deep breaths and sip on water as not to cry.

Motivation lacked and I couldn't do much...but little by little I felt better. Reading her blog gave me a sense of closeness, knowing what she was doing and discovering. I got back into my school since class was only a few days away and buried myself into the assignments.

Going back to work for a day, helping my friend reorganize her classroom sure helped out and got me excited about the upcoming new school year with my new job. I will be plenty busy working as the new resource teacher at both the middle school and high school...Isn't it amazing how this all worked out? God must have known that I needed some heavy duty distraction to keep me busy and my mind off the empty nest.

So, as I sit here peering over the edge of our empty nest...I am thinking about how I want to proceed going forward.A pile of papers, boxes and books are awaiting my attention as Tippy is sleeping at my feet. A dove just landed on the patio awning and is quietly cooing her song. The sun is out and the sky is clear and blue...summer is here.

Stina is off on her wilderness excursion for the next 10 days and will not be calling or posting on her blog. I hope and pray she is OK...