Ready or not...it's almost time

It's late and I am sitting in my office staring at this screen....pausing with every word. The house is quiet. My daughter is in her room also on her laptop updating her blog...I know she's sad but she won't reach out to me... and with that realization, I try not to feel too sad-hurt-too down.

This must be the way she is preparing herself for the inevitable goodbye when we leave her in Michigan...right?

My husband is probably watching TV upstairs...3 people, in 3 different rooms, doing 3 different things...

Flash back 5 years...all the boys were home and Stina was 13! We had a house full, that's for sure...I can remember the constant noise of a house full of kids, the TV, the phone...the friends coming and going...the music of the guitars, the drums, the flute and the saxophone...me in the kitchen making dinner...doing dishes...an endless litany of activities...
Saying goodnight would take as much as 20 minutes and sometimes even a half hour....oh, those good nights...the talks...the hugs and the kisses.

Now, I sit in a room I call an office that once was Stina's room...then the boys' room...then just Steven's room...now, my room of books. Memories fill this room...the sweet goodnights and prayers whispered in the dark...the giggles, the hugs, the smiles too. Now, my future waits in the midst of school books, papers and notes...pictues silently call to me from my bulleting board...pictures of family and friends.

So what happened? Time has passed much too quickly. I sit here with a heavy heart...trying not to get too far ahead of myself...and wishing I could just hug my daughter the way I used to and know that she felt better.

To be a mother is priceless...but it also hurts at times like this...because with all the love comes all the pain too...sometimes, I don't think my heart can take it and somehow I always make it.

God has been so good to me....so good. Blessings abound! I pray for grace and peace as I prepare for my next step in life.

27 days and counting. . .

"Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself."

~Matthew 6:34

Is it possible that this is all a dream? Will I wake up to a house full of kids playing, the dog barking, phone ringing, washer going through a very loud spin cycle because it's overly stuffed with a load of colors???

[pinch]

No...it's not a dream. It really is almost June! June is filled to the brim with activities...from here on, it will gather momentum and take me to the inevitable moment when we get in the car and drive cross-country to Michigan.

• Senior play



• Graduation



• Party!



• Packing



• Planning



• Driving....

Yes, my one and only daughter is off to college. She seems ready. She's definitely excited about it and is probably counting down to the minutes and seconds. The question is, are my husband and I ready? I've avoided thinking about this because I'd like to think that I am ready; however, I am not sure how I will feel once we set foot on the plane to fly back and arrive home to our empty house. I am praying about my worrisome spirit. I think this event will teach me to trust God more and worry less. I was able to overcome this when Steven headed off to Japan...it took a while, but eventually I made it. So, here I go again...trusting in Him and letting go.

It's funny how things seem to happen sometimes. I know that God has a way to orchestrate things and perhaps my new teaching position in the fall will be just what I need to keep me busy.

When God closes one door, he open another...how true.

So, my "mommy" days as I have known them for the past 26 years are about to take a turn...my heart beats faster just in typing these words and my eyes are tearing up [no, no....not now!]

Deep breath....

26 years of mommy-hood! Wow! And in 27 days....I will be facing a new type of mommy-ness and life. I've adjusted to my oldest son living in Japan. SO, based on distance alone, I should be able to handle Michigan, right?

Stay tuned.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes...

"This is the day the Lord has made: let us rejoice and be glad in it."
Psalm 118:24

The scripture is from my little daily calendar. Every morning when I wake up I look to see what God has to say to me for the day.

The awesome message behind the words is that today is a new day...

I like waking up when the sun is out and the sky is blue. Spring is one of my favorite times of year. There's so much promise and possibility in the air. Looking ahead at what can be is exciting and sometimes even scary. Either way, as long as I have my priorities right, I will be OK.

In the past few weeks there have been a lot of changes. Phillip, my youngest of 3 boys, moved out. Ironically, it was on April 1st...I thought that maybe it wouldn't be true, but, alas......it was.

Having talked about it for so long and even suggested it, I thought that I would be ready when the day came. I wasn't. I was a mess. With a school project deadline looming over my head, I found myself completely "DIS-COM-BO-BU-LATED" <--------(note: I don't know if this is a real word--but that is how I felt)

Timing was awful with hormones raging and the PMS monster poking at my heart strings...I cried...but not in front of him. I tried to reason the way I felt and measure the sadness against other big changes and could not figure it out. I remember how I felt when Steven, my oldest,left for Japan! JAPAN! Phillip was only moving 15 miles away....and I can see him in 15 minutes (with no traffic) So why the drama?

A friend had to remind me about the why....Phillip was my last boy to leave home....and my daughter Cristina was not far behind. She will be heading out of state to college in the first part of July. So then it dawned on me....

Soon, MY nest would be empty. Is this what the empty nest syndrome is all about?

Even with school, work, and the normal house stuff to do...I can't seem to be busy enough to squelch the sadness that creeps up my throat unexpectedly....and sometimes makes me cry.

Another friend suggested I take up a hobby. Hmm....school is my hobby. As I go through the next 15 classes at the speed of light...I am fast approaching my long awaited degree! By fall of 2008 I will be working on my teaching credential....yes, this will keep me busy. My one and only outlet is still running. I resume my training in May and will run the Long Beach marathon in October. (More on this later)

I am aware that it's not good to look back too much...to live in the past. Like the verse above, I must be happy today and move on to a future filled with more memories.

The promise of this new day is exciting... God has been good to me....