Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes...

"This is the day the Lord has made: let us rejoice and be glad in it."
Psalm 118:24

The scripture is from my little daily calendar. Every morning when I wake up I look to see what God has to say to me for the day.

The awesome message behind the words is that today is a new day...

I like waking up when the sun is out and the sky is blue. Spring is one of my favorite times of year. There's so much promise and possibility in the air. Looking ahead at what can be is exciting and sometimes even scary. Either way, as long as I have my priorities right, I will be OK.

In the past few weeks there have been a lot of changes. Phillip, my youngest of 3 boys, moved out. Ironically, it was on April 1st...I thought that maybe it wouldn't be true, but, alas......it was.

Having talked about it for so long and even suggested it, I thought that I would be ready when the day came. I wasn't. I was a mess. With a school project deadline looming over my head, I found myself completely "DIS-COM-BO-BU-LATED" <--------(note: I don't know if this is a real word--but that is how I felt)

Timing was awful with hormones raging and the PMS monster poking at my heart strings...I cried...but not in front of him. I tried to reason the way I felt and measure the sadness against other big changes and could not figure it out. I remember how I felt when Steven, my oldest,left for Japan! JAPAN! Phillip was only moving 15 miles away....and I can see him in 15 minutes (with no traffic) So why the drama?

A friend had to remind me about the why....Phillip was my last boy to leave home....and my daughter Cristina was not far behind. She will be heading out of state to college in the first part of July. So then it dawned on me....

Soon, MY nest would be empty. Is this what the empty nest syndrome is all about?

Even with school, work, and the normal house stuff to do...I can't seem to be busy enough to squelch the sadness that creeps up my throat unexpectedly....and sometimes makes me cry.

Another friend suggested I take up a hobby. Hmm....school is my hobby. As I go through the next 15 classes at the speed of light...I am fast approaching my long awaited degree! By fall of 2008 I will be working on my teaching credential....yes, this will keep me busy. My one and only outlet is still running. I resume my training in May and will run the Long Beach marathon in October. (More on this later)

I am aware that it's not good to look back too much...to live in the past. Like the verse above, I must be happy today and move on to a future filled with more memories.

The promise of this new day is exciting... God has been good to me....

5,344 miles from a hug...

Sometimes, all I really need is a hug and tonight I wish I could reach out and get one from Steven. (He's in Japan)

I miss him so much.

At this moment...

It's late. It's hard to hold in all the thoughts about my life as a mom at this moment. My daughter reminded all of us yesterday that she would be leaving for college in 102 days.
Graduation is "only" 85 days away....Can it be? It seems like yesterday when I walked her to her first day of school. With her purple backpack and lunch box and Pocahontas hi-tops. I have that picture posted right next to her senior portrait....what a contrast.

I imagine that most moms struggle with letting go of their daughters too....but this does not make me feel any better at this moment. For a long time now, our relationship has been so different. Adolescence has somehow changed it. I am the same but she's not. The world tells me that this is "normal" and a part of her learning to let go....a way of distancing herself before the real good bye....yet, it still feels hard to take and understand.

I still see the little girl who looked at me with big brown eyes in constant adoration....I was everything as she was to me. Now, I find myself reminiscing about all the hugs and kisses and prayers said at night. The park, the Cinderella castle, playing with Barbie and snuggling....then little be little, it all changed...just like the time when I went to tuck the marshmallow man in with my son and he said "No, mom...I don't need him anymore" the night came when "bunny" wasn't tucked in close to her with the blankie...

Years, time.....memories. With every careless word I cringe in loneliness and utter sadness.
I feel like she's already gone even though she is still here....
at this moment.