5,344 miles from a hug...

Sometimes, all I really need is a hug and tonight I wish I could reach out and get one from Steven. (He's in Japan)

I miss him so much.

At this moment...

It's late. It's hard to hold in all the thoughts about my life as a mom at this moment. My daughter reminded all of us yesterday that she would be leaving for college in 102 days.
Graduation is "only" 85 days away....Can it be? It seems like yesterday when I walked her to her first day of school. With her purple backpack and lunch box and Pocahontas hi-tops. I have that picture posted right next to her senior portrait....what a contrast.

I imagine that most moms struggle with letting go of their daughters too....but this does not make me feel any better at this moment. For a long time now, our relationship has been so different. Adolescence has somehow changed it. I am the same but she's not. The world tells me that this is "normal" and a part of her learning to let go....a way of distancing herself before the real good bye....yet, it still feels hard to take and understand.

I still see the little girl who looked at me with big brown eyes in constant adoration....I was everything as she was to me. Now, I find myself reminiscing about all the hugs and kisses and prayers said at night. The park, the Cinderella castle, playing with Barbie and snuggling....then little be little, it all changed...just like the time when I went to tuck the marshmallow man in with my son and he said "No, mom...I don't need him anymore" the night came when "bunny" wasn't tucked in close to her with the blankie...

Years, time.....memories. With every careless word I cringe in loneliness and utter sadness.
I feel like she's already gone even though she is still here....
at this moment.

Time does really fly...

I've been to Japan and back...got really sick, (some say it WAS the bird flu)eventually recovered and managed to get one 20.5 mile in for the marathon (which is this Sunday!)

So, this is what happens when you start a blog that no one really reads...but, I've decided to go ahead and resume with my own musings and ramblings.

I can't believe that the marathon has finally arrived. It's been a long 7 months of training. The difference this year has been all of the friends I've made. Something is very unique about people who share a passion for running even though they have quite different backgrounds and lifestyles.

I've met four really awesome ladies who also happen to be pace leaders. In fact, there are three of us who live close enough to car pool on Saturdays...we've all become real close!

This is one thing that I've been wanting for a while....closer female friends. You know, when life gets hectic and stressful and no one really understands....we need to have some someones we can go to for a heart to heart.

I find that with them, I can open myself up and just be me. I am accepted and loved unconditionally and honestly. Friendships like this are awesome and priceless!

So, back to Japan! I had an awesome time being with my son....I am so proud of him and of his success at work and personal independence in a foreign land. His Japanese has evolved even more and he conversed like a native. I even met his girlfriend (soon to be fiancee!) We visited some different places and stayed a few days in Kyoto where I was transformed into a Maiko (geisha) within a few hours.

I now have been affectionately nicknamed by some of my friends as Olgeisha...it works well with my name.

My 12 days finally came to an end and I had to come back home. I was torn between wanting to stay and missing home so much that I also couldn't wait to go home...I tried not to cry as much this time...but it was useless....hugging Steven one last time and knowing it was going to be at least another year before I saw him again....well, I think you can see why I was so sad.

It's been about a year and a half since he's gone to Japan....5,344 miles away. I am used to it now but still can't go a day without thinking of him. Then, I think about my little girl...(who is 17!) who is graduating from high school this summer and going out of state to college. I am not sure how I will feel because I get emotional now just thinking about it.

I can remember, when I was a young mom, reading a magazine for parents called Parenting and skimming through all those "How to deal with the empty nest syndrome" and thinking to myself how I had all the time in the world ahead of me...all I had to do was look around and see my 3 little boys and my baby girl ...and all their toys and books strewn across the house....Ah...yes, those WERE the good ol'days! I miss my days as a young mom when I had no time to read and do nothing...feeling stretched in all directions and always going to some soccer practice, school event or friend's house....Those were the days.

Every night, I relished my little good night routine...tucking each one in, one by one. Some nights, that could take almost a half hour....they each had a story for me or needed a glass of water...or a worry to discuss.

I even had to tuck in the marshmallow man, the teddy bears and bunny. I never rushed these moments...I knew they were not going to last forever.

Because, time does really fly.

So, as I mentally prepare myself to go 26.2 miles...I will need to rely on some of these memories through the tough spots...especially towards the last 3-4 miles.